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In my selling skills workshops, I ask the participants to nominate what they believe is the most important interpersonal skill they need to master. The usual suspects - the meet and greet, qualifying, objection handling, closing routines - all get to figure in the discussion, and predictably, good questioning technique soon rises towards the top of the pile. However, to the surprise of many of the participants, we always finish up agreeing that, irrespective of how well we get to master the skill of asking carefully-chosen, well-timed questions, it will all amount to nothing unless we have the dedication and discipline to actively listen to the answers. I guess we should keep in mind that people don't care how much we know until they know how much we care... and they will quickly appreciate how much we care by how attentively we listen to them.

Yes, he who asks the questions may well be the one who leads the conversation, but he who listens to the answers is the one who always controls it. This makes attentive listening far and away the top-ranking attribute of professional salespeople and negotiators. In fact, it is said that if some people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. This reminds me of one of my granddaughters who at the age of four can talk the leg off an iron pot. Recently she came to me puzzled that the same people who had been urging her to speak were now encouraging to 'take a breath occasionally'. She asked, 'Grandpa, why then are people asking me to stop talking?' Thankfully I had seen it coming, and had the presence of mind to respond with, 'Sweetheart, everyone is so proud of how well you have learned to talk, that now they believe you are ready to learn something that even most adults can't do very well - listen!'

That may well sound a bit patronising, but sadly it is true. For many people, listening is just what you do while you are 'champing at the bit' for your chance to talk. Too often we are so busy making sure that people hear what we have to say - or thinking about what we must say next - that we forget to listen to what they are trying to tell us. If we convey this impression during the sales process, our success, if at all, will be short lived. We must open the conversation by asking questions and listening to the responses, we must progress the sale by asking questions and listening to the responses, and we must eventually close the deal by asking questions and listening to the responses. There is no other way.

Here's the problem though: most people can listen and comprehend at something over 400 words per minute, yet we speak at only 125 to 150 words per minute. There is a very big void to fill. Compounding that, most of us have an interest window of around 45 seconds, at which time, if we don't stimulate it, a barrier will be raised. Our mind will wander, and we will begin to lose the thread of the conversation. It is little wonder then, that boredom makes us all bad listeners from time to time, particularly if we are a little tired, in a repetitive environment, or amid distractions.

There is no escaping the fact that, while hearing may be involuntary, listening is another matter. Listening must happen on purpose. In the live training sessions, we overcome any reluctance to embrace listening as a vital communication skill by engaging in some interactive exercises to demonstrate just how confronting poor listening discipline can be to the speaker.

To avoid the unintentional insults delivered by inattentive listening, and to help us appreciate the benefits of active listening, we act out and observe some of the everyday 'dos' and 'don'ts'. Many are just common sense, but they do require a measure of self discipline, and they do need to become a habit. Here are a few of the Don'ts:

Don't be a pencil listener - if you need to make notes, and in a complex sales situation it is a very good practice, take the time to ask first. It's quite polite to ask 'these are important points you are raising, do you mind if I make a few notes?' Seeking the customer's permission avoids the rebuff they will feel if, without warning, you suddenly discontinue your eye contact and start focussing on a sheet of paper in front of you. The reason why this is so important is that the customer obviously doesn't look at your ears to see if you are being attentive. Instead, just as you will use eye contact to do much of your listening, the customer will be relying very heavily on it to collect the non-verbal feedback from you. Denial of that privilege can be very insulting. This may sound trivial, but I suggest you try 'pencil listening' with a colleague. It really can be quite off-putting. The speaker will almost immediately show signs of discomfort at your lack of interest, and shortly after will probably stop talking altogether. It won't help the relationship at all, and will definitely dry up your flow of information.

Don't criticise the other party's choices - although this may appear obvious, you can so easily commit this sin inadvertently, rarely via the spoken word, but often by your facial reactions, particularly eye movements. When you are attentively listening, you must be conscious of not showing negative reactions. If you want to test or correct something, this is a job for your speaking role where it can be done with conviction, not when you are listening and unable to offer reasons for your disagreement or disapproval. Again this is worth a test. Have some colleagues lower their head, raise their eyebrows, and roll their eyes, just as you are making a key point in your conversation. Do you feel affronted?

Don't answer your own questions - because you are rightly proud of your product and industry knowledge, you will have a tendency to want to talk about it. This is perfectly natural, and a show of eagerness goes a long way towards having the customer share your enthusiasm. However, it has the opposite effect if you are so keen that you jump right in and begin to answer your own questions before the other party has a chance to respond. It happens... you must aware of it, and disciplined enough to refrain.

Don't interrupt - unless you are deliberately and politely cueing for more information at an appropriate pause, disrupting the customer's train of thought can deprive you of vital information, not to mention the very real chance that they will feel uncomfortable with it, even annoyed by it. Here again this seems embarrassingly obvious, but just as embarrassing is how frequently it happens, even among the most experienced salespeople. No doubt, there are times when we proudly feel we know more about the topic than the customer and want to help them out. I have even experienced a salesman who unknowingly finished every one of his customer's sentences for them... hardly the best way to uncover their wants and needs.

It's been said that all we can learn while we are talking is what we already know, and that we shouldn't talk unless we can improve the silence. It may be a cliché, but it is good advice. Here are some of the Dos:

Do display your interest - it is very easy to regularly confirm your understanding, often with no more than a nod of the head or a subtle 'hmm'. When there is a gap in the conversation, it's a good idea to paraphrase what the other party has said. This affirms that both sides understand and provides a subtle 'tell me more' invitation.

Do mentally sum up - to fill the listening void, stimulate your narrow attention window, and keep your mind fixed on the subject matter, it's a good idea to weigh the facts in your head, while of course maintaining comfortable eye contact and making it clear that you are digesting what is being said.

Do look for meanings beyond the words - one of the best ways to show your interest is to use gaps and pauses to seek clarification of key points. It not only gives an outward display of your interest in what has been said, but is the ideal opportunity to probe beyond the surface.

Do focus your attention - we know that the best way to sharpen one of our senses is to dull the others. For example, we know that hearing-impaired people see better, and that vision-impaired people listen better. These are just some of the compensatory wonders of the human body and mind. How often do we savour the mood of a piece of our favourite music by closing our eyes and drifting along with it? Not for a moment am I suggesting you close your eyes and drift off while the customer is trying to talk to you, but by mentally shutting out all else but what they are saying, you can keep your attention on track.

If you still harbour any doubt that the application of good listening skills is an indispensible selling tool, cast your mind back to the last time you were shopping and wound up disappointed with the level of customer service. I'll bet that indifferent listening on the part of the salesperson had something to do with it! Perhaps we all need to heed a warning here: just as selling involves much more than just telling, listening involves much more than just hearing.

Hearing and listening are definitely NOT one and the same!

About the Author:

In a distinguished career spanning half a century, Keith Rowe has managed the full journey from shop floor to boardroom. Along the way, he has headed the Australian sales and marketing operations for three of the world's largest Consumer Electronics manufacturers - Toshiba, Sanyo and Sharp.

Keith is not just a successful businessman. He is an accomplished speaker and trainer, and is the author of two books on the subject of interpersonal skills. His latest - the KNACK of Negotiating - is available in all the popular eBook formats, including from Apple iTunes and Amazon's Kindle Store.
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? 2011 Keith Rowe - all rights reserved worldwide

By Keith E Rowe
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